Friday, September 30, 2011

Dear Hallmark

The person who gives me this will need more than his fair share of 'Get Well' cards at the end of the day...

via NBC:
In the business of selling sentiments, there's a card for everything, from traditional occasions to unique needs: cards with sound, cards for holidays, cards for losing a tooth. But losing a job?

Yes, now there's a card for that too. Hallmark recently rolled out a new line of layoff greeting cards.

Stores have a specific section for job loss and recession humor, offering words of support and encouragement. With the unemployment rate at nine percent, the company says customers called-in the need.

One card reads "Don't think of it as losing your job. Think of it as a time out between stupid bosses."

So... On today's episode of 'Life Sucks, You Don't Have a Job, and Corporations are Trying to Squeeze You Dry" we have... a corporation trying to squeeze you dry because you don't have a job and your life sucks! Yes, yes. Hallmark, you have stooped to a new low of recessionary fun with your new 'Layoff Greeting Cards'.

Once a bastion of hope, happiness, and well wishes, you too have felt the sting of financial woes, and in true business fashion have switched your tune up faster than Pookie went back to the crackpipe. The undeniable warm and fuzzy feelings that usually accompany greeting cards seem to have gone by the wayside, it seems. What I don't understand, though, is why you felt that even in this time of economic despair, you felt the need to still try to turn a profit. Have you no shame?

Look around, Hallmark! The country is in its worst economic rut since the Depression. Our government is making as much leeway as a snail going uphill. The threat of nuclear holocaust grows greater every day. More reality television is being produced as we speak, while protesters at Wall Street get pepper-sprayed to no avail. The last thing the country and consumers need is a $3.99 pat on the back from you guys. All of the marketing 'genius' you put into this could have easily been invested in a much more constructive avenue.

Never mind the fact that you even thought that this was a good idea. Who was your target consumer in this decision? What insensitive schmuck would buy a card for their loved one's layoff? I can't begin to imagine the rage that would emanate from my eyes Cyclops-style if someone ever presented me with a greeting card of consolation for being laid off. In fact, I'd be more upset that they spent the $3.99 on your product, instead of just giving me a handshake and the classified ads.

Yes, Hallmark, the recession sucks. But we don't need you to tell us that. As I sift through every job board I know and e-mail every professional I've ever come in contact with, I can't help but wonder how the prospects on employment wit your company are. Given your pride in releasing this depressing news, I can only assume that business is booming in your hallways. Even so, if Obama has his way and the American consumer has his way (both iffy propositions in their own) I'm pretty sure you won't be offering this promotion for too much longer. HAPPY LAY-OFF!!!