Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Dear JoJo Simmons

Let the jokes, begin.

Boy, oh boy. I've been waiting for this one forever. Jo Jo, Jo Jo, Jo Jo. Now, you're family is fucking DOPE. Your dad is cooler than the other side of the pillow, your stepmother doesn't care, your older sisters are sex gods (though I'd hope you don't care), your brothers are funny as a white man doing the Electric Slide and your younger sister is the cutest thing since Elmo (yeah, I said it). I understand you felt the need to follow in your father's footsteps and engage in the uphill battle known as the rap industry. I even understand your decision to try and do it without him, and your subsequent rescission of that decision because your group was going nowhere. To put it short, you got it made ($10 to anyone who can tell me where that last line came from).

Now that that's out of the way, let's get to business. Team Blackout SUCKS. Your image as a rapper is a farce. You have no credibility in terms of struggling to get into the industry. Even if you do manage to sell any records, it'll be as a function of your fame from Run's House, not any sort of skill or lyrical dexterity, my nigga. What's worse is the fact that in some misguided display of bravado or guile, or whatever your buck-toothed ass wants to call it, you got caught coppin bud at the weed spot, and THEN tried to escape!!. Where were you going to go with that? I'm sure the police don't have kids that watch Run's House or haven't heard of your father. What's eerily ironic is that had you escaped, the fame that you're so desperately and futilely seeking would have had you caught anyway. And regardless of whatever tweets your sisters or father put out (I suggest everyone follow Rev Run), the world will know you as that rapper's son who tried way to hard and got nowhere. Face it, Jo Jo. With a move like that, you'll end up in the pen or as the butt of a ridiculous amount of jokes before your get that Soundscan or ASCAP. Why not be an expeditious business person and take after your sisters? Maybe then, you'll be able to show the world what nepotism can really get a person in this life. I hope it was some good weed, at least.